Getting My Man to Commit

By: Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Last year, I met a 36 year-old man (I am 45) and when we instantly connected. We met through a dating site. He picked me up at home and the rest is history. He knew I was falling for him and began to retreat.

He travels a lot with his job but I wasn't used to how to handle a long distance relationship. I started feeling rejected when he didn't call or visit as frequently as I wanted, so I went to a bar and met someone (we ended up living together for about 6 weeks) and I used this relationship to try to open his eyes to bring us closer. It just tore us apart as it was more out of spite than real love for the guy I lived with.

I broke it off with the live-in guy and came back to my home, but it was too late, the damage had already been done, and my guy was not happy with me at all. I have been trying to get him back ever since and we have been communicating and working on things, and have been seeing each other, on and off then, but if I see him once or twice a month I'm lucky. We usually just text message each other and talk on the phone once a week.

He came to my house last month and we made love, but then I saw his profile back on the dating site and told him that he could not come to my house loving on me and wanting to date the whole world at the same time. He told me he was just not ready to settle down, so I cut him off from sex. I wasn’t intending to be mean, but I needed to stand up for my own morals and values. It is too painful knowing while he is making love to me, that he might be carrying on with someone else too. I just can't deal with that.

Now, it seems that since we are friends until he is ready to make up his mind and decide to become exclusive with me. He seems to respect me much more this way and responds to my text messages within minutes when before he wouldn't respond at all. We make each other laugh and smile and cut up a lot more now. I really believe we are helping each other to bridge a very painful gap. He knows I am not seeing anyone because he is the only one for me. We also give each other the space we need. I do not harass him by calling or texting all the time. I try to choose my call times very carefully so as not to overdo it, and it seems to be working.

So, how can I get him to commit exclusively to me within the near future? I love him very much and he is truly the only one for me. I know there is no sure fire way to guarantee anything, but you're a man, so how do I do it? Please help!
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Hello!

You have so many challenges here and so few opportunities, that I just don't see this working out well for you. I'll try to help and guide you, but you need to understand that the likelihood of getting what you want is very, very low. I'm not trying to burst your bubble, but I want you to have some reality in your life. I'm not in the "blowing smoke up your keester" business.

First of all, let's get this clear: cutting him off from sex is as much to punish him as it is to deal with your after-sex insecurities. I want you to understand this because it will be poignant in a few moments.

Second, by far your biggest problem is with the long-distance relationship thing. Here's the reality: LDR's NEVER work out. That's the fact. Before you go any further, please go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and watch the short video on LDR's under BAM TV. Go ahead and do it now, I'll wait.............................

Ok, did you watch it? Now you understand what you have working against you. This guy isn't emotionally tied to you. Further, every single emotional event in his life - or yours - continues to confound and frustrate you both as neither of you can be there for the other - to share or to offer support. What you're actually doing is building a "foundation of frustration" by trying to continue this! He's already replaced his emotional need for you with his need to NOT be frustrated by it all. Do you get that?

Third, as intense as everything seemed in the beginning, I'll bet that was built artificially because of having met on the Internet. You've already discovered why that happens from the video. It's just that he's already come to that realization and you haven't. You're even holding off "fixing it" by not dating anyone else in hopes that he'll rise to the occasion. Really, how can that ever happen?

Fourth, your plan to deny him sex only continues to work against your agenda - and in favor of his to not commit! Here's the reality: healthy, loving relationships have a healthy, loving sex life. In fact, even bad marriages will continue to stay together if the sex is incredible. On the flip side, I've seen few marriages survive terrible sex lives. Think about that. What you're doing is denying him the one thing that would keep him around; and you're doing it as much for punishment as for self-preservation! Of course things are less stressful now! There's no implication of anything further on his part! He's no longer beholden to you for your feelings, for your emotions, etc., because you've turned him away for in the primary means you have to keep him. That's not a very smart plan.

With all of this taken together, your chances of actually building the relationship you want is pretty damn slim. I wish better for you, but I'm a realist.

If you want some advice on how to get him to commit to you, here it is:

First of all, if you can't sleep with him out of your own needs, then at the very least, blow him every single time you see him! Think about this for a minute: when you and he see each other, don't you think that you're generating all sorts of sexual energies together? Of course you are. It's that sexual energy that men use in order to become emotionally attached! Thus, what you're doing is sending him away - and into some other woman's arms - with all the sexual tension YOU'VE created! Now, how stupid is that?? Answer: it's WAY, WAY stupid! Don't ever let this guy leave you with his trigger cocked!

Another reason why you don't want to do this is that your "relationship" (not a real one, I'm afraid) is all about frustration. Now, you want to add even MORE frustration to it? Please don't do this. You're far better off NOT seeing him than to see him and continue to build more and more frustration between you.

Another thing you need to consider is exactly what he wants in his life. He's out of town a lot, but that doesn't mean he wants to be alone. Your "electronic romance" isn't much of a substitute - just more frustration. You need to find a way to build the closeness between you while at the same time discovering what it is that he needs in order to trade his freedom for a commitment with you. Go back and re-read that sentence until it really sinks in. Men's view of commitment is very different from women's. Whereas you see commitment as security, fidelity, future, success, love, etc., we see it as loss of choice, loss of freedom, stress, responsibility, etc.

What you have to do is to discover exactly what he needs in order to take on these negative things. In other words, what things are so important to him that he'd willingly take on all of this to get it. Then, all you need to do is to become that woman to him. It's really that simple.

I hope that gives you what you're looking for.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman. Stay tuned for our new Internet TV Show – BAM TV – starting soon!

Copyright (c) 2008, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

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