Dating the Wrong Kind

Author: Dr Dan

Red Flags Defined: Those little comments made by the other person signaling that something is not quite right. They also include certain characteristics and behaviors that can be a sure tip off that there are issues worth further consideraton before pursuing any kind of a relationship.

This page is simply meant to identify some of the more common red flags. None of them are meant to be conclusive evidence that someone would not make a good mate. However, they are intended simply to provide you with some idea as to which ones should be quetioned before you make a commitment to someone. Afterall, seeing a ring on his wedding finger just might be a red flag that begs an explanation before you go any further with a relationship. That example may seem to be a no-brainer but the point is that there are other more subtle flags that, when raised, need to be recognized for what they are.

Abusive & Controlling:-Give and take, tempered by some compromise here and there, indicates that a relationship is healthy. However, if one of the persons involved wants everything on his/her terms, then serious problems can arise. Furthermore, there are those who will become verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive if they do not get their
way.

Argumentative & Irritating:-Some people are just contrary. They will question much of what you say to them, put their own twist on it, or challenge your every thought. Basically, they are full of themselves and feel that their opinion is the only one that counts. Is this something that you want to live with for the rest of your life?

Baggage & History: -Someone who has been previously married may be still be seriously affected by unresloved issues (old baggage). Also, one's past, parents, and previous relationships can negatively impact how they relate to
others.

Conservative & Liberal:-Does his/her religious views place any uncomfortable limitations on a relationship? Is their approach to the things of life too conservative for you? On the other hand, does he/she hold liberal views that are just too far to the left for you to be able to tolerate? Whoever said that politics and religion should not be discussed amongst couples may have set a lot of people up for eventual failure in their primary relationships.

Educated & Intelligent:-Is it really snobbish to want someone who is able to intelligently articulate their views in a discussion or comprehend abstract thinking? Although, it is entirely possible that a person with a doctorate degree can deeply love an individual who never graduated from high school, one should consider what they are willing to live with in this regard.

Inattention & Disinterest:-People who truly love each other want to be with each other as much as possible. If your boy/girlfriend has one excuse after another as to why they are not available to you, then you might look elsewhere. Either they are not really interested in you or you simply need more attention. You can't make someone want to be with you. It has to come naturally and be obvious.

Men & Philandering:-There are indeed men who have made the mistake of cheating on their on their girlfriends/ex-wives and would never do it again. However, there are those (women included) who never learn their lesson, resulting in an ongoing promiscuous behavior.

Money & Debt:-Those who will not consider dating a person due to the other person being only moderately stable are called "golddiggers." Conversely, if the other person is unemployed, deeply in debt, in the middle of bankruptcy, or uses illegal means to make a living, you might seriously consider whether living on love will truly be enough.

Passive & Submissive:-You might want someone who is easy going, agreeable, and amiable. However, if a person is simply too passive, has no real mind of their own, and gives into everything you say and want, they might be very sweet or just absolutely mindless.

Secretive & Tight Lipped:-If, afer a few dates, he doesn't want to show you his home, it might be because his wife lives there with the six children. If she refuses to talk about her past, then you might want to determine if this is a way of avoiding having to explain why she was in prison for all those years.

Sex & Timing:-If your date wants to jump into bed with you during your first time out together, you just might ask yourself the question, "If he/she wants to have sex with me this quick, how many others have there been and how many more will there be?"

On the other hand, if he/she does not want to be touched even though you have dated exclusively for several months, you just might ask if physical intimacy will ever be a consideration.

Unavailable & Too Busy:-Trying to develop a meaningful relationship with someone who is too self-absorbed or overly involved with their businesses or personal interests will result in lonliness. On the other hand, you might have a "player" on your hands who has developed the ability to have more than one relationship without the others being aware.

Women & Kids:-The key word here is "balance." A woman who commits most of her time to you and neglects the children is one extreme. If she only pencils you in for a few hours here and there because she feels a greater responsiblity to her child(ren), then that would be the other extreme. However, if she has found a way of balancing the two and wants to include you in the time she spends with her children, you could very well have a good situation regarding children.

There is also the issue regarding undisciplined children or those situations where it is made clear to you that you will have either little or no say in correcting misbehavior.

None of the red flags above should be taken to mean that one needs to dump another person who displays any one of them. They are simply attitudes, behaviors, and characteristics that are worth looking at more closely before entering into a relationship. Making the mistake of not investigating them further may result in making a real mistake; one that could have tragic consequences.

Be careful. The outer package may not be a true indication of the inner person. Once the initial physical attraction is past, the more intangible characteristics will become more important to you. Conversely, be sure to recognize these same flags within yourself and either correct them or get the help you need to do so. If you truly love someone, you will want them to have the very best just as you expect the same of the other person.
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